Fallen Into Despair
by mutant
Summary: Xander changes when he gets put in the PIT, B/X
1. Prologue

Title: Fallen into despair (Prologue/?)  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the idea of the story.  
  
Timeline: Post season 4. X/A split up earlier on in the year, Riley had left after the Adam fiasco leaving Buffy alone. B/X had gone out on a few dates. Angel will show up in this although it will be season 1 and when he gets first put in the pit.  
  
Rating: R For Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Beta Read by: Moi  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone:)  
  
Feedback: If you like this please tell me as I thrive on feedback.  
  
  
  
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"COME ON, IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE"  
  
The sound of his voice echoes around the arena.. Is that the right name? No. more like a pit, that's the right word, a pit that no one or no thing escapes from, they are to fight and fight and fight till they die.  
  
The audience are quiet for once, not shouting out, not screaming for more blood, just quiet as they throw pity down on the challenger with there looks, there eyes all staring at him as he screams bloody murder. His face a mask of pain and determination as he looks at the crowd above him, he holds his left arm into him with the other one as a bone sticks clearly through the skin. His face is covered in blood as it drips from his chin onto the dirt floor below. His hair matted to his forehead with sweat, blood and grime and many bits of other worldly creatures he had killed in the past. The trousers he wears are ripped and shredded and many cuts can be seen on the muscle bound legs beneath, his shirt as met the same fate as the trousers and a long gash runs across his chest.  
  
He is beaten; he is battered, bruised, gashed, cut, hurt and tortured. Any words that can be referenced to a fight or to Japanese imprisonment in a POW camp during the Second World War can be used to describe what has happened to him. The damage that his body had undertaken over the year could not easily be counted.  
  
The crowd, he knows they expected him to lose, after all he was supposed to be a filler for the audience, as they wanted to see a human die. Quickly he went from zero to hero in there eyes as he won match after match, now he is just an unbeatable character in a fucked up play run by a monster. The audience where once they worshipped him, they now are merely bored with him and pity him, the monster that runs this place tries and places him against harder demons but he prevails again and again. He gets knocked down but pulls himself up again, If his arms gets broken he uses the other one, he never loses and that is because he has faith.  
  
If he lasts one more day, one more hour, then maybe she will come, the light in the pit of despair that is his life, she stands tall in his many memories, she is the thing that keeps him going, pulls him up and makes him win. The one bit of sanity in his insane world and he will not let that go. He has thought about it, maybe even dreamed about it, letting go, letting a demon rip his head from his body and putting him finally at peace but that would be giving in and that would mean losing all memories of her.  
  
So he screams.  
  
He shouts.  
  
And he fights.  
  
And one day she will come. She will set him free from this and take him back to his life where he can hug, touch and kiss her and for once, though he doesn't remember the feeling of it, once he can be happy.  
  
A bright light penetrates the darkness and the usual voice of the commentator booms out of an invisible speaker that he can never see, and the cage door opens, he turns quieting down and walks back through the door. As he enters many of the demons that had been watching the fight run away from him to the other side of the room and a couple stick to been a few feet away pretending to be courageous, he ignores them and walks back to his bunk sitting down. Placing the arm hard against the metal frame of the bed he pushes and SNAP, with a whimper but not a single tear the bone snaps back into place, he rips a piece from his already tattered shirt and ties it around.  
  
Lying slowly down on his bed he inspects the bunk above him, the previous owner Jack had been there but 5 days ago. He was a Chalter demon, not much of a fighter but they thought the upstairs guy's thought that if they put him against his bunkmate he might be a little lenient. All Xander did was say sorry as he snapped his neck. The one true friend he had met when he was in this place and he had killed him, he felt no guilt for it. He would do it again because he could not let them win. As he looks down upon his tattered shirt he can still see some of Jack's blood from the fight, green blood, very strange Xander thought after all he had blue skin. Xander silently closed his eyelids and brought up his favourite image.  
  
It is of her, she is wearing a dress that reaches her thighs and smiles his way, her gentle giggle reaches his ear in his imaginary fantasy and it makes him smile. One thing he had not done for so long. A creak brings him out of his little world and he looks toward the door.  
  
A few guards step through the doorway and walk in carrying someone's unconscious form, they throw him in with the usual bracelet around his wrist that prevents escape. Some of the demons surround his body, as they will try to kill the opponent before he actually becomes an opponent making it easier for them in the long run, they do that sometimes.  
  
Pulling himself up by the bed frame he strolls over and the demons seem to part in fear, kneeling down on one knee he rolls the body over and scans the demons face. His face is slightly bruised from been hit by something that had obviously knocked him unconscious but there is no mistaking in who it is.  
  
"Angel" 


	2. 1

Title: Fallen into despair (1/?)  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the story.  
  
Timeline: Well. Season 4 in Buffy but its AU. B/X had been dating for a month.  
  
Rating: R for Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Beta Read by: Reed  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone :)  
  
Feedback: If you like this, please tell me as I thrive on feedback.  
  
Author's notes: This is flashback. All of it, it tells how Xander got to where he is  
  
  
  
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********************************* Flashback *********************************  
  
  
  
It had been 8 months since Xander had driven his blue caddy into the high rise city known as LA. It was his job that drove him away from Sunnydale for the weekend. He was now a carpenter for a construction company. They were building a new mall in LA and wanted him to go survey it before the team would go in. So he was driving down route 101 in his jalopy as he sang along with a Road Anthems album that was screaming out of the speakers.  
  
"LEADER OF THE PACK! VRUUM! VRUUM!"  
  
He was happy, yep Xander and happy. Two words that did not normally associate to a resident of the Hellmouth known as Sunnydale but he was truly happy. He and Buffy had been going out for a month now, a full month of bliss, a full month of cloud nine for them both. They hadn't done the deed yet but he didn't care. Xander was taking his time because he knew that when it finally happens the moment will be perfect for him and for her. After nearly 5 years, he had finally got to show her how much he loved her with each kiss he gave he threw in his heart, with each gentle touch gentler than the last. He wanted to prove how good of a boyfriend he could be. He was bit miffed about being here on route 101 headed into downtown LA. When he could be at home kissing the woman he loves. Buffy had accepted it and was happy that his job was taking him somewhere. God, he loved her.  
  
"LEADER OF THE PACK! VRUUM! VRUUM!"  
  
Another scream as the song reaches its climax once again. Xander believed that nothing could take away the smile that plastered onto his face.  
  
Well, I am here. I might as well visit the old ex and the vampire.  
  
He thought when he reached the inner city streets. His tires screech as the car skids around a corner and sets off toward the home of Angel Investigations.  
  
I wonder how Cordelia is.  
  
  
  
-----------------------  
  
* Angel Investigations *  
  
  
  
"Angel. Were you born a complete idiot or did you did take classes?"  
  
The words greet Xander's ears as he enters, which made him smile. Good old Cordy. He walks forward slightly and pivots on his heel to look around a corner into Angel's office. Cordelia is standing there looking toward Angel who seems to be holding a picture on the wall.  
  
"That is still wonky... Left ... Right ... "  
  
A crash can be heard as the picture flies from his hands into a bin in the far corner. Cordelia looks pretty miffed but Angel remains stoic.  
  
"That was expensive. What was the point in me buying you something to lighten up your office if you just throw it away?"  
  
"It was ugly. I mean, come on Cordy. I might not have good taste in some areas." A smirk comes from Cordelia but he continues. "But I know a good picture and that was just ugly."  
  
"Yes. Well don't expect me to buy you a new one."  
  
"I don't."  
  
"Don't expect me to help you with your decorating either."  
  
"I don't."  
  
"Well.Oh! Shut up Angel."  
  
He looks confused as she turns and storms out of his office bumping straight into a peeping Xander. They both go crashing to the ground.  
  
"What moron stands in a door for Christ sake?!" She pulls herself up and dusts her dress off then looks toward the other person pulling himself up "Xander?"  
  
"Yea, I'm the moron."  
  
"I could have told you that." Cordelia replies with a smile as she walks up and places her arms about him to give him a hug.  
  
"Xander." Angel voices. The carpenter looks up from the crook of Cordelia's neck and sees him leaning on the doorframe to his office.  
  
"Angel."  
  
Cordelia pulls back "So .How you been? You sooo have to tell me everything. How's Sunnydale? Do they still talk about me? What are they wearing there? Do I look nice or do I look 'nice'? I think this dress kinda makes my hips look bigger. What do you think?"  
  
All those questions come out of Cordelia's mouth in record time and Xander just looks at her with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Oh don't look at me like that mister. You know I have to know these things. We sooo have to talk."  
  
"Cordelia." Angel's voice interrupts her.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Don't you have work?"  
  
"Yes I do."  
  
"Don't you think you should get on with it?"  
  
"Oh, that can wait, we're off to lunch be back in a couple of hours"  
  
Before he could protest, Xander was dragged from Angel Investigations and down to his car faster than you could say "There's a demon behind you!"  
  
-------------  
  
* Fifteen minutes later *  
  
Cordelia and Xander are sitting in a booth at Charlie's Diner that was just across from Angel investigations. Xander picks at his food as Cordelia talks. He has a quarter pound hamburger and fries with a large coke while Cordelia had just ordered some fries and coffee. Every so often she would pop a fry in her mouth then continue on with whatever she was saying. Xander is pulled from his daydream about giant fries and hamburgers by two words.  
  
"How's Buffy?"  
  
"Huh?" The only word in his reply as he had not fully come back to reality yet.  
  
"I said, how's Buffy? Is she still swooning over old vamp boy?"  
  
"Well . I don't think so. She's going out with someone else now."  
  
"Yes. Anyone I know?"  
  
"Well you could say that yes." His face turned red slightly and she actually picked up on it.  
  
"You?! Oh my god! Well, she finally can see what a good boyfriend you can be if she doesn't catch you kissing Willow."  
  
Her words made him wince slightly. He still felt awful about how they had split up, one in a long line of fuck ups by one Alexander Lavelle Harris.  
  
"You know. I'm so sorry about that Cordelia. I didn't mean." He trailed off and she smiles at him.  
  
"Don't worry about it. I knew we weren't for the long haul anyway. But you and Buffy, you can so be for the long term."  
  
"I hope so."  
  
Xander had been thinking about marriage with her for a while, years actually, but it could now be a reality. In about a year, he will ask her to marry him and hopefully she will say yes ... Hopefully.  
  
"Don't doubt yourself Xander you are capable of good stuff. Even your fashion sense has improved." She eyed his suit that he is wearing and smiles flirtingly at him.  
  
"I'm a working man now and I need to dress accordingly. Well, that's what my boss said, so I guess that my Hawaiian shirt wouldn't do."  
  
She giggles at his words.  
  
"Anyway." A beep interrupts his speech. He looks toward his watch and instantly jumps up. "Sorry Cordy, I have to get to work. I'm supposed to be there in ten minutes."  
  
"Okay!" She shouts as she sees him walk back toward the door. "Oh I want to come meet me and a few friends tonight. We're going out, meet you at Angel's."  
  
Xander nods his head in her direction then runs swiftly out of the doors, jumps into his car, and speeds off toward work.  
  
  
  
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* Later *  
  
Xander is sitting on his bed in the crummy motel room that he rented for the night. The only things in the room were a vibrating bed, an old black and white television, and a closet. There was a bathroom to the side but he chose to waive the option to shower  
  
He is wearing a grey T-shirt, socks, and some sweat pants. He has a beer in one hand and the phone in the hold.  
  
"It went okay. I should be finished by tomorrow and then I'll be home with you."  
  
"I miss you already." Buffy's voice on the other end. "Me and Will are just watching videos tonight, chilling, watching, and missing your funny one-liners."  
  
"All bow because I am master of the funny one-liners."  
  
"I bow before thee."  
  
"Now there's a nice vision"  
  
"XANDER!"  
  
"What? What? Okay, I'm actually back from that little dream place I call Buffyland."  
  
"Buffyland, huh? How many Buffys are there?"  
  
"Oh. 3 or 4"  
  
"3 or 4, you think you could handle that many?"  
  
"Well no, I can only handle one, the others are all feeling and touching."  
  
"Don't even say it. Pervert."  
  
"I'm a pervert because I love you."  
  
"No. You're a pervert because you imagine me kissing myself."  
  
"Ya got me there. I miss you."  
  
"I think we've already said this."  
  
"Yup, just wanted to give it the tenth time it deserves"  
  
"Miss you"  
  
"11 now. Cool"  
  
"You're crazy."  
  
"I'm CRAZY! Crazy for feeling so lonely!" He sings out the words and a laugh can be heard from the other end of the phone. "What? Don't you think I can pull that song off?"  
  
"I don't think you could pull any song off with that singing voice."  
  
"Oo your words wound me." He fanes slight hurt.  
  
"You're tougher than that. Believe me I know."  
  
"Yea I know I just wanted to go for the sympathy vote."  
  
"Well you're not going to get it."  
  
"Damn!" Xander looks at his watch "Buff, I gotta go. I have a date with Cordelia."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Just joking baby, she wants to talk more about Sunnydale. I told her everything. She's like a crazy rambling type person"  
  
"You went out for her for a year. And you only just figured this out?"  
  
"Well.Before I wasn't really listening to her. I mean she was my girlfriend that'd never happen."  
  
"Hey. I'm your girlfriend. You're listening right? Xander. Xander. XANDER!"  
  
"Oh yeah I'm here Buff, just fazed out"  
  
"You listen to me right?"  
  
"Course I do honey. What'd you say again?"  
  
"Xander." Buffy's warning voice sounds out.  
  
"Buffy course I do, your voice is as gentle and as wonderful as your kisses"  
  
"Awww. How sweet."  
  
"Yea I read it in a magazine one time. I told you that subscription to Jugs magazine would come in handy."  
  
"Just spoil the mood."  
  
"I'm good at it aren't I? Anyway I really gotta go." He replies and stands up "Love you."  
  
"Love you"  
  
"Love you more"  
  
"Love you even more"  
  
"Okay. This is getting really pathetic. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow and kiss you like you've never been kissed before."  
  
"What. On the ass? Cuz I've never been kissed there."  
  
"Well then, on the ass it will be."  
  
A small giggles once more.  
  
"Got to go, seriously now. See ya later baby. Love you"  
  
A click come from the phone as it is placed down. He sighs as he looks at the phone then walks toward the closet. Xander pulls a suitcase out and places it on his bed. He pulls out a crumpled shirt and tie.  
  
"Time for ironing."  
  
  
  
----------------------  
  
* 20 minutes later *  
  
  
  
Xander was ready. He was all suited up in a smart tuxedo with a tie. Yes, the tie was his tweety-bird one but it suited him and his personality.  
  
"Time to meet the devil." With which he meant Cordelia.  
  
Opening the door he sees his car and walks towards it, a footstep alerts him to someone's presence slightly behind him. He looks out of the corner of his eye and sees a shadowy figure seemingly following him.  
  
"I know martial arts!" He hopes those four words would scare the figure away, but it does nothing. As Xander reaches his car he fumbles with his keys. He spies the figure walking toward him through his car mirror but this time he has two larger things with him. He waits patiently as they get closer and unlocks his door just in case, then suddenly WHACK!  
  
Xander falls to the floor with a thud. A green demon steps over his unconscious form and smiles at the figures in the dark.  
  
"I told you it'd be easy to catch a human" 


	3. 2

Title: Fallen into despair (2/?)  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the story.  
  
Timeline: Well. Season 4 in Buffy but its AU. B/X had been dating for a month.  
  
Rating: R for Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone :)  
  
Feedback: If you like this, please tell me as I lurve feedback  
  
Author's notes: This is flashback mode still :) Also  
  
Is for thoughts by the Xandman  
  
"" Is for speech  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Xander was slightly scared and he had been scared many times in his 20-year- old life. He was scared when he nearly got in a fight with Buffy a few years back, he had been scared when he saw his first vampire also known as his best friend and he was scared at his 6th birthday party when the clown came out and showed its gruesome painted face, right now on a scale of one to ten at how scared he is at this current moment, he would have to go with about a 4, less scared than when he saw his first vampire but just a tad than when he got in a fight with Buffy.  
  
Although I bet it'll go up when I see the per.. Thing that holds me here  
  
The last thing Xander remembered before he was knocked unconcious was that someone had been following him, although knowing Xander's luck it'd have been a something rather than a someone.  
  
Then he awoke here in this room.  
  
A completely pitch black room, he couldn't even see his own hand as he placed it in front of his face, which of course lead to him poking himself in the eye and then some naughty words exited his mouth fairly quickly after that. He had been here now for what seemed like an ice age although he had thought that since there was no way to tell the time and it was pitch black and the fact that there was nothing do except think Everyone knows how I hate that Then it could have easily been like ten minutes since he had pulled himself from his knocked out state, but he sincerely doubted that fact.  
  
He now sits with his back to some sort of wall it feels rough on his lower back as it is just brickwork he can tell from the feel. Xander's wrist is itching, a few moments ago he had located a kind of bracelet around his wrist that seemed to be impossible to remove and he was sure it wasn't there before he woke up, the fact that it was there of not his choosing wasn't bothering him what was bothering him was the fact that is was so damn tight around his wrist that he couldn't even scratch underneath it at an itch that had been bothering him for a few minutes.  
  
A major thing that was on his mind as he tried to pull the bracelet off was if his friends were aware of his disappearance and if they had been looking for him already. It had been plaguing him for sometime, if they were looking for him then Buffy would be worried and upset and that's really what he didn't want.  
  
Every time he closed his eyes apart from the blackness he could see her, She seems so upset as tears slide slowly down each one of her beautiful cheeks and he just wants to reach out and gently stroke her cheek and wipe the tears away with the back of his hand and then to lean in and follow through with a gentle kiss.. Her lips gently dancing with his, their bodies hugging and hands entwined to each other's where both of them knew they belonged.  
  
CREAAaaaaaaaaaaaaK  
  
A sound interrupts his third vision of Buffy in 3 minutes and he opens his eyes in a flash, although its hard to tell when they are opened because its about as dark as when they are closed. This time however its different, he is sure he can see a beam of light stretching up one side of a wall and it seems to be widening, then he realises.. It's a door.  
  
A door is opening, Xander has to think fast, he moves quicker than he thought he ever could and runs straight into the wall with a thud Damn darkness. He rubs his nose where he had hit it and pulls himself against the wall tightly preparing to attack any person God I hope it's a person that would enter that door. The light brightens and the door finally opens to its full extent, a light is shone inside and someone steps inside.  
  
THUD  
  
Xander had no idea what had happened but somehow he had ended up on the floor on his ass as a light shines into his eyes from the ceiling and a creature stares angrily down toward him.  
  
"What do you think you are doing Human?"  
  
The demon spits as his long tongue juts out of the thing you could call a mouth as every syllable is spoke, Xander looks the demon up and down and he can surely say it is not one he has seen before. The greying skin of the creature gives him a lizard type look and the long tongue doesn't help any either, he is wearing a loin cloth and has some handcuffs in his hands, although Xander wasn't sure you could call them hands as they looked more like something out of a nightmare on elm street, all fingernails and no fingers.  
  
"You attempt anything like that again and I'll let you die right here without a chance in the pit"  
  
The pit? I don't know what that is but I seriously don't like the sound of it  
  
The demon kneels down and grabs Xander's hands pulling them tightly together, he attaches the handcuffs binding his hands and pulls him to his feet with a simple tug of his own hands.  
  
"Now.. You are a guest of our honourable master and I think you should act accordingly"  
  
Xander looks at the demons.. Face? And sees the small imprint of a smile on his ugly features as if he had told a joke of some kind. He doesn't have time to think about that as he is pulled forward and through the door with quite a bit of force, as he has to adjust his legs position to stay standing.  
  
-----------------  
  
What is this? A damn labyrinth  
  
It seemed to have been ages since Xander had been pulled from the black room and dragged down a hallway, since then they had passed through so many doors and walked down so many hallways that he had easily lost count. The demon that was holding his handcuffs was pulling him forward at a rather fast pace and just seemed to keep his eyes on the wall that they would head to. Xander has had time to analyse the place and see if he could possibly escape in the near future but right now he is just trying to remember the route that they were taking in case he needed to know this place that he was in. The only two sounds in this entire place seem to be Xander's feet and the creature's feet as they walk rather fast down the hallway there feet tapping on the marble floor. Xander will give this place one thing, it's nicely decorated and that's just the hallway. The marble floor was very beautiful and was of a crème colour similar to the colour of the pain on the walls, the place is very light kind of like the opposite of the room Xander had been in.  
  
Looking up from the floor that had a nice shining effect to it and had somehow caught Xander's attention he spots a large door up ahead at the end of the corridor, it was most probably made of oak as it looked to be very strong and it has beautiful gold handles that looked to be carved right into the wood and a large knocker on the front, the knocker is a big lions head that has its tongue stuck out and it would bang on the door to make the required noise when used. He looks at the creature that has a hold of his hands in the handcuffs, he didn't seem to have any emotions in him this creature But then again what demons do?  
  
He is stopped outside the door and nearly bumps into the lizardy demon or croc, a name that Xander had just come up with, The creatures hand, the one that wasn't holding the handcuffs grabs a hold of the big knocker and he pulls it down hard.  
  
KNOCK  
  
It seemed to Xander that the knocker was the cause of most of the earthquakes in the world, it seemed to shake the entire building, a moment later a slot is opened that Xander had not noticed was on the door before and then the handle is pulled down as the big door opens and he is yanked through.  
  
The place is about as light as the corridors, it is a very large hall that is filled to the brim with demon's and a few humans, he could not believe what he saw as he looked up at the front, a young girl stood on a stage as they sell her (What the hell are we? Cattle.. Damn demons. The girl is sold to a blue demony thing that offers $20,000 dollars, she is taken from the stage nearly screaming and Xander cannot see what happens to her after that. He is yanked forward quite forcefully and soon he is walking up some steps to go behind the stage.  
  
Great great, I'm going to be sold.. how fantastic  
  
Then the thing speaks, its voice very deep and he seems to have a lisp, but that's what you get for having such a huge tongue.  
  
"Don't worry, your not to be sold" He smiles.. Xander thinks "the master thinks you should be the first human to enter the pit"  
  
The demon turns back to face forward and yanks him again, they walk behind the rather large stage and through another set of doors and they keep on walking for another 5 minutes until they finally come to a complete stop.  
  
"I think you'll have fun.. Though I'll doubt you'll last long, they'll probably kill you first"  
  
The demon pushes him through a door on his own rather forcefully and he goes head over heels falling flat on his face to the floor.  
  
"Fuck sake.. Stupid ugly damn dem"  
  
Xander pulls himself up slowly and suddenly stops speaking as he suddenly feels surrounded, looking up he sees many faces all around him.. All of them demon, each one of them a different shade of the rainbow and then he looks back to the door and notices a large cage door in front of it.  
  
Oh.. Fu. 


	4. 3

Title: Fallen into despair (3/?)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the idea of the story.  
  
Timeline: Post season 4. X/A split up earlier on in the year, Riley had left after the Adam fiasco leaving Buffy alone. B/X had gone out on a few dates. Angel will show up in this although it will be season 1 and when he gets first put in the pit.  
  
Rating: R For Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Beta Read by: Moi  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone:)  
  
Feedback: If you like this please tell me as I thrive on feedback.  
  
Author's notes: This is still in the past, but the next one won't be. I had to show Xander's first fight.  
  
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The pit isn't anything specially, just a big hole in the ground surrounded by seats for any spectators to view the blood. Or that's what Xander sees anyway, but the others, the demons; they seem to see something special in that hole, in that pit. They seem to respect it like a living thing and some even fear it, maybe Xander hadn't been here long enough to become so dependant on life here. He could still remember the outside, the way that freedom felt, and the way the fresh air smelled in Sunnydale on a sunny spring morning.  
  
It had been long; Xander could at least tell that. His facial air seems to be out of control and grows wildly on his chin. His clothes are dirty but otherwise intact, but that would soon change. In 5 minutes he would step out of this cage and into the pit, he will become a contender in this blood bath championship. Xander looks to Jack, his friend, his compadre, but his friend's eyes look down away from him, he doesn't want to see Xander before he dies, he doesn't want to remember Xander when he's afraid. Because that's what he is, Xander's terrified, but who wouldn't be?  
  
Jack had been a good friend, he'd stopped the others from killing him on the first night and he'd taught him a thing or two about each of them, about there weaknesses if Xander ever came against them. Jack is a Chalter demon, a good demon or so Jack says. But Xander is just happy to have a friend in his time of need, a friend is a rare thing in a place like this.  
  
Xander's no match for his competitor that is for sure, his enemy, as Jack calls him, is a vicious fighter. A 7 foot tall behemoth known as Dalem, he's a Chincock demon, he's a bright blue/green colour and has large horns protruding from his skull, he stares across the room at Xander, But Xander doesn't look his way as he tries to keep focused then he sees the movement of the guards, they close in to take the contender's to the pit.  
  
Xander is pulled off his bunk and to his feet; he doesn't fight it, because there's no point in fighting it. Xander is then dragged to the door which is promptly unlocked and opened, then he is pushed forward very hard, Xander flies down to his knees and the sand littering the floor of the pit billows up around him. He pulls himself to his feet and feels the heat of the lights shining down on him, and then he hears it, the roar of the crowd, the roar that requests blood, requesting his death and they are loving every moment of it.  
  
Xander looks down, and then he steps back from the door as he hears a few of the locks and prepares for the entrance of Dalem.  
  
He doesn't look up as the behemoth enters; Xander just backs off towards the edge of the pit, as he feels the ground shake slightly under Dalem's footfalls. Xander feels the brickwork pressing to his back and then allows his eyes to look up, he sees the face of the demon, and he sees that he has no choice. He has to fight because he won't die, he can't allow himself to.  
  
A sudden gush of wind interrupts Xander's thinking and he feels a bone snap in his chest and then scream's out in pain, he looks up to the snarling features of Dalem, his fist is firmly planted onto Xander's chest which is twisted inwards unnaturally. Dalem releases him and he falls to the floor, blood spews from his mouth onto the sand and he tries and crawls away. He feels a kick to the back and his hands and legs flail out from under him as he hits the sand, another trickle of blood runs from his mouth.  
  
Dalem picks him up and throws him across the pit; he travels through the air until he thumps hard into the wall breaking a few more bones. Then he hears it, the crowd, they are going wild as they cheer the demon on. Xander grits his teeth and pulls himself to standing and looks at the demon with contempt.  
  
Dalem's features are emotionless as he walks towards Xander, he stops when he's a few feet from Xander.  
  
"You have no chance, give up and I'll kill you quickly" Dalem says quietly.  
  
Xander looks down as he contemplates it, he thinks about giving up, about just laying to rest and disappearing onto the path he's never travelled before, but then an image flashes into his mind, an image of Buffy, an image of him, an image of them two together and he looks up in determination.  
  
"No"  
  
Dalem doesn't look surprised and charges, his full body weight hit's Xander pressing him into the concrete and he feels blood and bile pour from his mouth; he turns under the demon and pulls on his arm. The demon falls as Xander turns and lands hard on the floor, Xander doesn't give him chance to get up as he launches a kick into the demon's back, fuelled on by his anger and his hope he snaps a bone in Dalem's back and the demon grunts in pain.  
  
Xander falls to the floor as his legs are taken out from under him; he hits the sand hard but rolls quickly to avoid the foot that was headed for his head. He pulls himself up and wipes his face. He rushes forward and charges the demon into the concrete, a snap of bones from both can be heard and Xander screams out and falls to the floor. The demon had kicked him in the leg; his bone had come straight through the skin and blood now pours from the wound.  
  
Dalem looks down at him pitifully and then goes to launch a kick to Xander's head; he moves though and sweeps the demon's leg out from under him, with his good leg, then Xander hits him in the face time and time again till blood pours from several wounds and pulling himself on top of the demon Xander grabs his head and twists with all his strength, all his hatred and all his hope. The demon's neck breaks and the snap can be heard as it echoes around the pit, the crowd falls instantly silent, and Xander looks down at the demon with sad eyes, before forcing himself to stand on his good leg. He looks up at the crowd with anger.  
  
"You lot make me sick" he shouts out and hops to the door; he bangs hard on it then hops through. The next few moments are painful as he hops to his bed and then he sees Jack, Jack looks happy for once and places Xander down on the bunk before inspecting his wounds. Xander allows himself one smile before his eyes close and he falls unconscious. 


	5. 4

Title: Fallen into despair (4/?)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the idea of the story.  
  
Timeline: Post season 4. X/A split up earlier on in the year, Riley had left after the Adam fiasco leaving Buffy alone. B/X had gone out on a few dates. Angel will show up in this although it will be season 1 and when he gets first put in the pit.  
  
Rating: R For Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Beta Read by: Moi  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone:)  
  
Feedback: If you like this, please tell me as I thrive on feedback.  
  
Author's notes: it's back in the present  
  
----------------------------  
  
(Present time)  
  
Xander looks across at the bed opposite; Angel is still unconscious and his body is healing itself. The demons hadn't gone near him, but why would they? They know not to mess with the unstoppable human. That's what they call him, they blame him for all the demon's lives he had took over the time that had passed, but all he was doing was surviving, just surviving one more battle to wait. Wait for her to come and rescue him, but it had yet to happen.  
  
Xander hates Angel, he can finally admit it, and he hates what he is and what he was to Buffy. He hates him pure and simple, there's no other way around his emotions towards the vampire. But he couldn't blame him, he couldn't blame Angel for what happened to Buffy, that emotion had long passed, he could finally see that it truly wasn't his fault he was turned back to Angelus, it was both there faults, him and Buffy's, and a little bit Jenny Calendar's fault too.  
  
Soon he will be awake; his vampire healing is doing its job as always. His bruises slowly disappear and his skin slowly mends itself.  
  
Xander looks around the room, a few demons crouch in one corner muttering to each other, while the others just lay about on there bunks sleeping and a selective few are training for there next fight. He stands up and walks over to Angel's bedside, the vampire's eyes slowly open and he mutters inaudibly as his hand reaches up to caress his head, where he had been hurt.  
  
Angel's first sight is of a human, a human whose smell is known to him but his looks are not. The human looks totally dishevelled, his facial hair is long and hangs off his chin and a scar runs down the right side of his face and disappears below the hair. Angel is sure that he should know him, like some distant memory in his mind is trying to break free. But when the human talks it removes all doubt.  
  
"Hey dead boy, how's a vamp like you end up in a place like this?"  
  
Angel audibly gasps, he looks closely at him and realises the truth, that it is Xander. The boy who had once tormented him with insults, but a boy he is no longer, a battle raised man stands in his place. They had looked so long and far for him, looked everywhere they could think of, in Sunnydale and LA alike. They even used the magical arts to try and find his location, but all that was just to meet a dead end in there search. Buffy never stopped, she didn't leave one stone unturned and that was when Angel finally realised the truth, she was in love with Xander, not kid love, not normal love, but true love. The kind of love they once shared together and for each other. She still looks, she still waits for Xander to walk through the door, each telephone call pulls on her heart and hope strings.  
  
Angel has found him, here in this pit of demons where no human could possibly survive, he does, and he lives.  
  
"Xan..der" He says unsure.  
  
"I think so" he replies "last time I checked anyway"  
  
"We looked all over" Angel says and looks closely at him "Everywhere we thought you could possibly be, but we couldn't find you"  
  
"Yea, all the time I was in this pit" Xander smiles, a one off "How's Buffy?"  
  
"She…" He says and then becomes silent trying to find the right words "She's not alright, she's… Broken, she tried so hard but couldn't find you, she's hurting badly"  
  
Xander casts his eyes down; his Buffy is hurting, hurting out there in the real world. She's sat somewhere huddled and crying for his return and all he can do is sit here and fight demon after demon. A lone tear creeps down his cheek and he wipes it away. He feels Angel grab his shoulder gently but he pushes it away and stands up, he walks back to his bed and lies down.  
  
Angel is silent for a few moments not knowing what to do, but he had to ask, how did he survive in this hell hole? The vampire stands and walks over, he then kneels down at the side of the bed, he looks at Xander then opens his mouth to speak but Xander breaks in first.  
  
"I see her face everywhere, whenever I close my eyes she's there and that's how I survived. Hope of seeing her, I've killed and killed and done terrible things to stay alive just to see her and yet when I finally do, how will I be able to look her in the face?" He looks at Angel but Angel doesn't reply, because he doesn't have the answers, he himself has had similar problems in the past, a few minutes pass before Angel comes up with some kind of answer.  
  
"Because you love her, because you know you're meant to be together and because you both can't live without each other"  
  
Xander smiles slightly then nods his head to the bed "Get to sleep, your going to need it if you have to fight tonight"  
  
"I won't fight, Cordelia, Gunn and Wesley will find out where I am and if they don't in time" Angel shrugs then looks at the demons around "maybe I can talk to these demons, if we stand together maybe we can escape"  
  
Xander smiles again "You better get some sleep, your going to need it"  
  
Angel looks at him then stands, he doesn't reply and walks over to lay on his bed, as he rests his head he looks at Xander. The boy had changed, no humour creases his eyes anymore, no small glint of youth can be heard in his voice, and for once in his 200 year old life, Angel actually wonder's if love can actually conquer all, or does even that have it's limits.  
  
--------  
  
Xander sighs and looks across, the fights have been announced for today, he doesn't want to fight this one, he doesn't want to hurt him and he definitely doesn't want to kill him. But what does he do? Let the vampire beat him, let Angel win and him die, give up the past year like it was nothing and give up the chance to see Buffy again?  
  
Angel's face is emotionless, unknowing of the dangers that lurks, that indeed Xander is considering whether he should kill him. That he could actually kill Angel doesn't even show itself in Angel's mind, he still remembers the inadequate boy, the fumbler, the one who once fell over his own feet.  
  
The guards close in. 


	6. 5

Title: Fallen into despair (5/?)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the idea of the story.  
  
Timeline: Post season 4. X/A split up earlier on in the year, Riley had left after the Adam fiasco leaving Buffy alone. B/X had gone out on a few dates. Angel will show up in this although it will be season 1 and when he gets first put in the pit.  
  
Rating: R For Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Beta Read by: White werewolf  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone:)  
  
Feedback: If you like this, please tell me as I thrive on feedback.  
  
Author's notes: it's back in the present  
  
----------------------------  
  
Xander relaxes himself and rests on the balls of his feet. He feels the tension in the air, and the crowd for once is silent as they wait for the challenger to enter. Angel, Xander can't say what he's going to do. He doesn't know himself. It's a situation that he can't see no way out of, he sighs. A flash of brown hair catches his eye in the crowd above, but Xander just mistakes it for wishful thinking, it can't be Cordelia, it can't be anyone he knows. They haven't found him; it's just his hope boiling in his blood again. Xander casts his eyes down then sighs as he hears the door unlocked.  
  
Angel falls to the sand; he stands up uncertainly and looks around, the crowd look on with eager eyes that are waiting for blood. The vampire feels the anger within him rise as he sees the guy responsible for putting him in here, he sits comfortable in a throne-like chair just above one of the doors. Angel finally casts his eyes to Xander, he's unmoving, his legs are slightly apart and his arms are flexed but his head is turned down. He's got nothing to worry about, after all Xander is hardly going to hurt him. Then again, he doesn't know.  
  
But Xander knows different, he'd seen what happened to two demons that wouldn't fight, the way the boss had them tortured and then killed right there in the pit, and he wants none of that. His survival instinct takes over; he looks up and says a prayer for Angel, before he leaps.  
  
Angel sees a flash of brown hair in the crowd, but he is then sidetracked by an immense feeling of pain in his chest, Xander's hand is bending his ribs unnaturally and Angel feels and hears one of them snap under the pressure, which makes him scream out in pain. His foot kicks out catching Xander in the gut and sending the human to the floor. Xander rolls and comes back with a more powerful punch to the jaw, it breaks in a few places and then blood can be seen as it trickles out of Angel's mouth down his broken chin. He screams out in anger and follows through with a punch to Xander's ribs, one snaps but Xander's eyes remain normal and he makes no murmur. He punches again and again, letting the ribs snap under his nonhuman strength but Xander remains as he was, his eyes fixed, his goal now clear to Angel.  
  
To kill him.  
  
Xander feels a few punches at his ribs, but compared with what his body had been through in the past year they were mere pinpricks. He drops and swipes Angel's legs out and forces his elbow into the demon's gut as he falls, Angel's body sinks into the sand full force and he lets out a grunt of pain. Xander jumps up to his feet, and then kicks down on Angel's leg hearing it snap as he does, Angel screams in agony but swipes his now torn leg into Xander's and makes the human fall.  
  
Angel slowly pulls himself backward till his back touches the brickwork. He feels numb, the pain tearing through his body had died down some, but the after shock was still setting up.  
  
He looks at Xander, the human, he stands tall, several broken ribs in his chest yet he shows no indication of been in pain. Angel had heard the other demons; they called him something, something like "Unstoppable mortal", now he knows why. He looks into Xander's eyes and sees the clear change, this man, boy, whatever, isn't alive, and his eyes show the clear truth, that he is surviving, but to do so he has had to pay the price of himself.  
  
The numbness fades and the reality of pain comes back, he feels the snapped leg softly with his hand. He can't beat Xander, that truth he thought he'd never hear, but he can't, all he can do is hope, hope that the hair and face he saw was Cordelia and that they'll help him and Xander out of here.  
  
Xander looks at the fallen vampire; his face contorted with pain and wonders something, a question that his mind had wanted to ask for so long.  
  
Why was he afraid of him?  
  
Why was he always scared of this vampire?  
  
A creature that can't stand a few broken bones.  
  
Xander sighs, he wasn't the same back then, he wasn't the fighter he is today, and he wasn't anything really. Just a machine that spewed out jokes once in a while.  
  
He can't answer, he just sets himself to survival mode again, and he hears the thud as the swords hit the sand.  
  
ROUND 2  
  
When opponents can't kill each other with bare hands, say if ones a vampire, then weapons are introduced. Swords, stakes, axes, or any other type of killing device you can think of.  
  
Xander prefers the swords. He'd survived a few battles with them, maybe he isn't the best of swordsmen, but he definitely isn't the worst. He walks over to the weapons and picks them both up.  
  
Angel remains still, his back still against the wall at the other side of the pit as he does. Xander walks back to the centre and then slides one with his foot to Angel's hand who grasps it firmly.  
  
Xander may not be a 17th century knights with honour, armour and all, but he knows when to be a good man.  
  
Angel pulls himself up with the help of the wall and winces as weight is put on his mending leg, but even vampire healing has its limits. It can't mend a broken leg that isn't set; he turns, and with a grimace, slams it hard into the wall and his scream echoes around the pit. He turns sword in hand, his face is a mask of pain, and then steps lightly forward.  
  
Xander has his arm outstretched and his knees slightly bent; his sword feels weightless in his grip. He feels the strike and parries, he sees the stab and avoids it, and the metal clashes.  
  
Clashes and flying sparks are all around as the two swords fight for supremacy. He counters and then parries, stabs and then slices. The speed of their hands becoming faster, the swords becoming a blur to the eye, all that can be seen is electricity as the swords meet.  
  
Angel ducks and avoids a hit, and then he drops to the floor and strikes with his weak leg. He lets out a grunt himself as he hits his target. Xander drops like a stone, but to Angel's surprise, he rolls backwards and jumps back up. Then he steps forward and strikes. The vampire avoids it and counters, that is then blocked, the dance between the two becoming more tiresome as the seconds count down.  
  
Xander can see the boss out of the corner of his eye. He hates that guy with a ferocity he'd never known in his life, because he'd taken his life away. He looks at his watch as if he was tired from being here. The alarm bells ring out in Xander's head; if he gets bored then he orders deaths. That's the way it goes, that's the way Xander's seen it before. He sees an opening in Angel's defence and strikes, he fades one hit to the left then goes right, he strikes and slices Angel's arm and then twists his body to strike Angel's sword hard. The sword flies from Angel's hand and careens through the air landing in the sand at the opposite end of the pit, Xander looks at Angel and then his sword.  
  
Angel can feel the sweat running down his cheek. He sees the sword slash through the air and closes his eyes as he feels the wind; caused by it, caress his face. 


	7. 6

Title: Fallen into despair (6/?)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the idea of the story.  
  
Timeline: Post season 4. X/A split up earlier on in the year, Riley had left after the Adam fiasco leaving Buffy alone. B/X had gone out on a few dates. Angel will show up in this although it will be season 1 and when he gets first put in the pit.  
  
Rating: R For Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Beta Read by: White werewolf  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone:)  
  
Feedback: If you like this, please tell me as I thrive on feedback.  
  
----------------------------  
  
"Xander, NO!!!"  
  
The shrill sound of Cordelia's voice echoes around the pit. Xander's reflexes kick into action and his muscles tense as he stops the blade from severing Angel's head. It just stops on the edge of Angel's neck just slicing the skin, a few trickles of blood run down the vampire's neck. Xander drops the blade quickly, like it is diseased and then he steps back, looking around, his eyes search the crowd above, until he spots her.  
  
She stands just next to the "throne", her hand shoots out quickly and something flies through the air in an arc headed for him, Xander's hand goes up quickly and he catches it in mid air, a small piece of hair attached to some kind of metal, he looks at the symbol on the piece of metal and recognises it instantly as the same one on his bracelet.  
  
He casts his eyes down to look at his bracelet, the piece of metal that had been a part of him, and his arm, for the past year, and then he touches it to the bracelet gently, a small sizzling sound can be heard and it releases his arm, and it drops to the floor onto the sand. Xander steps back a small step and looks down at it with contempt, but he decides to move quickly as his strong survival instinct kicks in, releasing Angel from the same fate as quickly as he can. Xander turns to meet a dozen guards circling him, a few of them have tazers, to subdue, and a few have truncheon's, but all of them have body armour.  
  
Xander feels the first truncheon hit him on the back, but he ignores the pain it causes, he turns with a crunch of his own bones and grabs the guards wrist, he twists hard snapping the mans elbow and upper shoulder in the process. The guard screams out and drops to the floor in agony, Xander turns and backhands one running in his direction. He then turns to send a punch to another guards face. Looking out of the corner of his eye Xander sees Angel pulling himself up on the wall, but he falls down again, unable to fight.  
  
Xander then twists and snaps out his hand to break a guard's nose, he is about to hit another, but the voice he hates calls out interrupting him, seeming to come from all around, the boss's voice, his squeaky annoying pompous voice can be heard as he screams into a microphone.  
  
"Oh Xander" He snivels "that is what your called isn't it"  
  
The guards lay off, allowing him to turn, he sees the boss up on the balcony a knife in his hand and it's held at Cordelia's neck, he feels the anger boil within him, the hatred for this man is uncontrollable, he feels the other sword, Angel's sword, resting at the side of his foot dug into the sand somewhat, the smarmy face of the leader makes him angry and the next words even more so.  
  
"She's pretty Xander. You wouldn't want me to spoil that would you."  
  
His foot rests underneath the sword now, and with one flick of his foot he sends it up and into the air, he twists and strikes the hilt with his palm as it floats up into view, the sword flies through the air soundlessly and in the next moment it is stuck straight through the guys head, he drops like the proverbial rock onto the seat behind him and Cordelia lets out an almighty gasp as his hands release her, she steps forward a shocked expression on her face.  
  
The rest of the crowd quickly disperse in a fit of panic and screaming, and so do the guards as well, unwilling to fight for anything as noble as revenge. They were in it just for the wage it provided.  
  
They are left alone, the three of them, but that is just until Wesley and Gunn come barging through the door with sword and axes held high in hand. They lower their weapons as they look around confused.  
  
Xander allows himself a moment, he casts his eyes down as some of the realisation of reality sets in, and it's over. The past year he called hell was finally over, it was ended, complete, and he breathes deeply and feels his knees give out below him. He falls to the sand and the last sound he hears is Cordelia's voice.  
  
The darkness lifts, he feels his eyes open before anything becomes focused, it all seems fuzzy to him. Xander can see a window, but the blinds are drawn, he thinks, he feels the lush bed below him and lets his body gently become embraced by its softness.  
  
Then a sudden fear passes through him, a sudden fear of doubt, of the impossible, what if it was a dream? What if this is just some concocted world in his own mind trying to give him some semblance of hope in the real world. He pulls himself up and his eyes finally focus, he sees a few cabinets off to the left, a few to the right and the window is ahead and planted firmly on the wall with the blinds drawn, as he had suspected, a sword is attached to the wall above the four post bed he lays in.  
  
He stands and walks out of the room, disbelievingly. Xander makes his way down stairs, down the hotel stairs to the lobby and looks around, no one is about. He falls to the bottom step and lets a sob rack his body, let a few tears fall as he hugs the banister. Then he hears the door, it opens and he can hear the voice before he sees the face.  
  
A voice he would know if it was entwined with a million other's, a distinct voice, the most beautiful sound to him in the world.  
  
It's her.  
  
"Let me see him now" She shouts "I have a right"  
  
Then she steps into view, her blonde hair framing her face, her beautiful eyes find his and they widen. More tears follow as he looks at her, at the hope he had, in the pit, personified, at his girlfriend, at the woman he loves.  
  
"Buffy" he whispers. 


	8. 7

Title: Fallen into despair (7/7)  
  
Author: Michael Dunbar  
  
Summary: Xander falls into something that changes him. BX romance.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy and so do mutant enemy, I only own the idea of the story.  
  
Timeline: Post season 4. X/A split up earlier on in the year, Riley had left after the Adam fiasco leaving Buffy alone. B/X had gone out on a few dates. Angel will show up in this although it will be season 1 and when he gets first put in the pit.  
  
Rating: R For Violence  
  
Couple: B/X of course!!!!  
  
Distribution: Ask and yee shall receive  
  
Beta Read by: White werewolf  
  
Dedicated to everyone I like, which is everyone:)  
  
Feedback: If you like this, please tell me as I thrive on feedback  
  
-------------  
  
"No… You're not real, you can't be real"  
  
He feels fear as she moves forward, it's them trying to break him again, trying to take away everything he is so he'll lose and become another casualty of the pit, but he won't allow it. Xander recoils backwards and up one step, he hugs the banister tightly and looks away from her as she sits down on the step below him, tears stream down her face.  
  
"No" he shouts as she reaches forward, she jumps and lets out a sob. She thought it was all over, that they could be together again, but from the look on his face the terror they had inflicted on him would take a lot longer to undo. She let's out one more sob and just sits there with him, she rests her head at the side on the step and just looks at the man before her, it's still him, the man she loves is in there somewhere. Somewhere below that defensive person is her Xander and she won't stop until she has him back.  
  
Xander cringes, it can't be real. It can't be, nothing is real, only the fights are real, the pain and the blood are real, this isn't, it just can't be. He closes his eyes trying to will himself to wake from the dream, to wake in the pit and still be fighting in the world he knows, the world he hates, but he knows oh so well.  
  
Xander drifts off slowly to slumber and the next time he wakes the room is completely dark. He lets his vision become accustomed and he sees her head resting on the bed at his side, he lets his hand out, lets his hope rise and when his hand brushes back her hair he allows his heart to beat once again, it's true, its all real, she is here. The small glimmer of hope dies, the small smile he had started had worn down again and he turns away from her, he doesn't have the right to look at her, not after what he's done, she deserves better, he deserves to die.  
  
He feels the long facial hair under his chin; he pulls himself gently out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom. Taking care of the hair problem he trims it and then shaves to a smooth clean face, a face he hadn't seen in ages. He looks at the mirror image of himself with contempt, he doesn't look like a killer, he has to admit but the truth is daunting, he remembers every slaughter his own hands inflicted, the different shades of blood that had laden them and the resounding echo of a thousand snapped bones. He looks at the scar running up his cheek, so right to have a marker for the people and demons he killed, so right that he should remember the event for his entire life. Xander hears a murmur in the other room and a tear rolls down his cheek, but she doesn't, she deserves someone who isn't him, who's better for her, who she can love without his past coming to haunt them. He washes and dresses, then writing on a note he leaves it by her head and with a tear leaves the room and her for parts unknown.  
  
Buffy wakes and twists her neck to relieve a struggling muscle, her eyes open and she looks at the bed, he's not there, she feels a panic rise until she spots the note. As soon as she casts her eyes over it she notices it as a "Goodbye". A tear runs down her cheek but anger rises inside her, how dare he decide for her. She jumps to her feet and runs from the motel room, the same motel room they had shared in LA 15 months earlier, she had Angel bring him here, the surroundings might ease him, or so she thought.  
  
Buffy makes her way towards the bus station; she wears her jogging bottoms and top and makes as quick time as she can. Turning a few corners she comes upon the station, a few old buses stand in it and wait for the passengers to climb aboard. She runs around looking for him, 2 out of 3 of the buses she checks until she spots him, sat on a bench a bag in his hand, he fingers a ticket. Buffy walks up casually and takes a seat beside him; she feels a few tears slide down her cheek,  
  
"I was going to leave" He says out of the blue "Going to let you find someone better"  
  
Buffy keeps herself in check at them words but a frown can be seen on her features, he looks at her and smiles.  
  
"You deserve someone so much better than me, someone who you can love with no problems, I was right there ticket in hand, standing just short of the bus when it hit me."  
  
He doesn't continue for a while, a tear runs down his cheek and falls to the floor below.  
  
"If I got on that bus, if I left you" he speaks clearly with a deep sadness in his voice "If I even attempted to find a new life I'd die, I can't live without you now, not now that I've seen you again and touched your soft skin with my hand"  
  
Buffy wipes her face and leans into him; he welcomes the head onto his shoulder and leans his onto hers.  
  
"You know" Buffy says in reply "when we… When we couldn't find you I felt so helpless, you were out there hurting and it was my fault, you should hate me for not looking after you, I'm the slayer"  
  
"Not just" he replies and kisses her on her hair "Your Buffy, with two arms and two legs, two eyes and two ears. You can only do so much"  
  
"I knew that, somewhere inside me, I knew you didn't blame me, but I blamed me." She lets out a sob "I deserve someone like you because I love you"  
  
Xander lets his arm encircle her and he pulls her into a gentle full hug before he kisses her on the forehead.  
  
"Please…" She continues "Please don't leave me"  
  
"You sure you want me, baggage and all?"  
  
She smiles then leans up and presses her lips to his. Pulling back a larger smile in her face she answers "I wouldn't have you any other way" 


End file.
